Don’t Tell Me I Haven’t Tried, BITCH

OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD:

Lithium

Lamictal

Quetapine

Lurasidone

Buproprin

Xanax

Ativan

Gabapentin

Pregabalin

Buspirone

Remeron

Trazadone

Hydroxyzine

Lexapro

Effexor

Propanolol

Paxil

Duloxetine

Sertaline

Escitalopram

Seroquel

Abilify

Latuda

Cymbalta

Klonopin

Celexa

Valium

Depakote

Prozac

TMS

IOP

Mental Hospital

Individual Therapy

Group Therapy

CBT

DBT

Talk therapy

Psychologists

Psychiatrists

Therapists

Pulled out of ECT before starting

Last resort: Ketamine therapy.

It no worky, me no alivey.

Sorry guys.

It’s all stupid.

It’s all worthless.

It’s all futile.

Kill yourself.

DUMB cyters

I didn’t realize I wrote this, and another post, last night. I posted the other one, I see, but not this one. I’m not sure why I’m going to post it, I just feel like I should. I drank a pint of 100% Vodka in an hour. Shocking, right?

I fucking hate them so much.

All me, all me, why are you so by yourself all the time . Mom did this, mom did that. Oh? She’s a meanie? She said she’s going to come see more for once?

fOR SHAME, what a horrible mother for taking away one year to come see her only son. How can I be the baby of four dumb cunt sisterrs, and get so much scorn for just existing and having a good relationship with my ma??

Hi B, how’s it going. Oh, you got out of the mental ward a week ago, you know mom told me two weeks ago that she’d spend Thanksgiving with us, then had the nerve to say a few days ago that she’s going to flake and go see you instead? Can you just convince her to come down here instead? Your dumb niece is coming down here for the fourth time this year, and she wants to see mom for the third time this year—–who cares if you don’t see her next to never because we all decided to move out of state and leave you all alone to deal with your shit all by yourself and just do drugs and burn yourself and spend most of your time simply trying to figure out reasons to not kill myself

What a totally not selfish dumb cunt of a sister that hates me for simply being the baby and only boy.

What the fuck did I d0 in my last life to deserve this? Jesus CHRist. Did I rape a village of nuns? Diid I murder babies? It had to be something brutal to deserve a life of abuse and a non stop current stat4e of thinking I do nothing but wrong to every one around me What the fuck. Jesus.

For the love e of god. Why?

WHY?
WHO(L”??????

Geeze louise, mother of Joseph, can my own sisters pelase recognice that I’m trying to not kill myselfe? Do they not know that I” m doing this for theEM? Not me. THem!!!!@e!!

Fuckinging fucking bullshit cunt fucking slut cutns levae mea lone. Youre doing thisn to me.

IMy sudocide note will be addressed to all flour of you. I tried. I lost. Leavve me alone. I’ll haunt all four of you cutnts .

LEAVE ME ALONE.

I love you bitches i’M sorry. I just awnt you too stop parguing so much. I just want a happy family. THATT”S IT.

What the fuck whY is thAT S O HARD?”

UI can’t take this much more. I’s so fucking sorry, why do I deserve so much pain. I just fuck9ing want it to stop. I’ll l do fucking anything to. I swear IFUCKING swear! I do, I jut want a normal life where I don’t have to constantly gett fucked up to forget about 98@$% of my life. I have no idea what I did, but I”M so sorry, so sorry, I’ll be a beggar on the streets of some shithole nowhere place iF you just make me feel slightly less bad. I just want to not hurt

I just wantt my stomach to n0t hurt. My mind to not regret every single little thing I’ve ever done to offeend others.I”mm so sensitiv that I hurt for weeks if I say something eeven slightly offensive to a person—-just a person, nott even a relative, someONe I dont even kno

I killed my angel fish because he was tryy9ng to eat m,y othe rfish, that’s the worst thing I’

ve ever do0ne. That’s it. And this is what I get? Doess that make me such a monster? whAT the fuck else have I done? For the love of some god, andy god, giv e me a break.

WHAT “T HE fuck?Q!!!>

Fuck youl, fuck, my dumb sosters, my dumb dad, my dumb beautiful saint of a mother……j’dust be happy. Good bye Or goodbye or something. fuck off, leave me alone. Im tierdd dgood night

balah blah fuck ytou fuck9ing u8cunt bitch

Stupid fucking shit withdrawls. I want to k9ill my dumb self. So tired of this fucking nonsense I do e3very fucking time. I snould reallty just get it over with and take all those candies and drivt away into nothingness

I rote abunch of stupid poetry. If I survive, I’lll post it

No promises

I don’t know how many more sleepless nights I dcan take.

No sleep for 3 days

NOt SLEEPF OR THREE FUCKINg DAYS

I”Ve locked myself away again; I Just need to make it a few more days. It will still suck after, but at least I know it won’t get any worlse.

I shouoldn’

t

write this.

I’m gonna jinx it.

Dumb cunt devils and witches are going to curse me and leave me peaking for the next 4 days.

72 hours isn’t enough!!Q Q”

Please,, for the love of all the dumb gods in the pantheon of whatever dumb shit I, you, or anybody else believes

I can’t do it;

I want to just go to the tenderloind and cop something to hold me over for tonight.

I’ll try again tomorrow

please

please

PLE”ASE

I prom9ise I’ll be good

I reallyt mean it this ti me.

BOOze 9is mking it worse. I know, I know, what are you my dumb mother?”

It’s her fualty

No, it’s mind

I know, I”m sorry. I really am. Please forvgie me.

I’m ajust tired of all the pain I just want normality,, not even that, I just want some degree of peace. I’

ts fucking hot hin this dumb bathroom

nmy girlfriend is knocking she won’t elave me alone

thiks’ doesn’t ma;ke sense abut I”ll post ita nyways

All one postt no spellcheck , no revisions

unlreenting , it needs to go away. I need to go waway. YOUL:”DON’T FUCKING understand. IF you did you’d knowq and understand why I can’t do it much more

it’s dumb

Im dumb

The world is cumb

Existendce is dumb

I neeed a drink

I need a smloke

I neeed a halfike or a fullie or something. anything

please ;please’

why r you doning this to me? what did I do but take your nnsense dubm furicking bullshit my whole life

why did you do this to me. why am I cursed? can you give me a stupdi break? Something something yadada yadada whatever the fuck ever to give me some tiype of piece?fuck off

I hate you, youd ucmb sluty son of a bitch and whore of a cum slut dumpster

you stupid cbitch yhea, you doc

Y do you let this happen over and over again, there’s

some type of conspricay go9ing on and I’ m not who’s pulling the dumb stream

I want to die

Or just not feel

If you won’t let me die, just put me in a coma… I just don’t want to feel nymore.

th9isk dubm shit doesn’t make sense bnut I’ll post it with dumb tags and gother gay shit;

I’m going t ogo get in trouble now

I’m sorry mom. I’m am. realllyh

fuck off f

Hello

Hello, my name is B,

and I’m 8 hours clean.

Drug of choice?

Everything.

Lame Quatrain #2

Self-inflicted psychic violence

a threat to my own being

Inside my mind I’m lifeless

don’t resuscitate me please

Lame Quatrain # 1

All I want is silence

to find some kind of peace

My life’s a constant crisis

a fight for a right to breathe

Back on Meds

That was quick.

I started to lose my shit yesterday, and my girlfriend threatened to call my doctor if I didn’t start taking my meds again.

I told her to fuck off.

Then she called my mom.

My mom cried.

So I’m taking them again.

Fucking women—I can’t stand the sight, or sound, of them crying. Dudes crying is funny, women crying destroys me.

Is that sexist? I think it’s because I’m the baby of four sisters, with no brothers, and that made me extra sensitive to female tears. I’d do anything to stop them from crying.

Sexist in a good way?

I was starting to feel ill anyways. Stupid lamictal, that’s the one that really fucks me up.

I did start to feel more creative though—which sucks, because now that’s undoubtedly going to be the reason I try it again—but it wasn’t the type of creativity I wanted: writing creativity.

But I guess beggars can’t be choosers.

Yuck.

I hate that saying,

and the person who created it.

I guess they never met a homeless San Franciscan.

Gottttem.

So I spent my med-less day at the fish store, buying some supplies and some new fish, and at home aquascaping a new 20 gallon tank.

I really liked how it looked at the time, but I already can’t fucking stand it.

It needs more sand, and it’s going to bug me until I add it.

I’d say about a C-. But at least I did something kind of creative.

I guess.

I made the tree myself, using glue and screws to connect a dozen or so different pieces of driftwood, with sawdust caked into the joints and sculpted to make it look natural. It’s my first, so I’ll be nice and give it a B.

I put a few of my existing fish in this new tank, and I bought the two little guys below:

You can call them Spike and Blaze, which sounds really gay now that I’ve said it, and they are orange flash apisto cacatuoides.

What the fuck is this, show and tell? Who fucking cares?

Shoehorn

Shoehorn

Shoehorn

Aquascaping and aquariums are good for mental health?

Take it from me, a totally not constantly on the verge of suicide picture of mental stability and psychological excellence {insert emoji with sunglasses}.

I’m going to go make some fish sticks now. Goodbye.

Quitting Bipolar Medication?

Has anybody ever stopped taking their bipolar medication?

Suddenly? Self taper?

I want off.

All of them. No more.

Lamictal, done.

Seroquel, done.

Trazadone, done.

Buspirone, done.

I’ll keep gabapentin because it’s good for withdrawals. And it has recreational value: try taking one 300mg every 30 minutes for 4 hours, and thank me later.

But motherfuck the other ones.

At best, they’re not working. At worst, they’re fucking mental manacles that I need to break free from.

I swear I’ll be good.

Please.

PLEASE.

I will. I won’t get into trouble. And I won’t kill myself. I promise.

If it gets bad, I’ll check myself back into the facility.

I just want to be normal. That’s all I ever wanted. That’s why I started taking them. But I don’t feel fucking normal!

I still do stupid, reckless things.

I still viciously abhor myself.

I still want to kill myself.

What the fuck are they even doing THEN!

It doesn’t make sense.

Am I just forgetting how bad I was before medication? Did the TMS vaporize those memories too?

Let’s think.

I actually tried to kill myself before the pills.

That’s one improvement, I guess.

Technically.

But I still dream about suicide like it’s some great achievement I’ll eventually accomplish.

I haven’t been arrested since starting the pills.

Detained, yea.

5150d, yea.

But I guess it’s a plus to not actually get arrested, jailed and/or fined.

I haven’t full-blown cheated on a girlfriend since starting the pills.

Kissing random men, women and others, yea.

Had a girl spit into my mouth outside of a bar, yea.

Flirting all the time, yea.

But I haven’t full-blown cheated. And I always tell her.

I’m such a piece of fucking shit. Please know that I don’t do it on purpose.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t do it on purpose, you fucking piece of shit asshole.

You don’t deserve her. You don’t deserve anybody. You don’t deserve peace.

The only thing you deserve is pain and suffering.

Go ahead and stop taking the pills. You’ll get what you deserve.

Now go cry you little bitch.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I even tried praying—got on my dumb knees hoping some force out there would show mercy and give me a break.

For the love of god, Allah, Yaweh, Buddha, Krishna, whoever Zoroastrians believe in, anybody, please. I’ll suck your ethereal dick or pussy, please!

PLEASE.

I’ll be a goddamn monk.

I’ll quit smoking. I’ll quit drugs. I’ll quit drink. I’ll quit meat. I’ll quit being a whore. I’ll quit saying retarded. I’ll quit even thinking mean things.

I just want to be normal. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

How can they say the pills are helping? Does this sound like they’re helping?

If they’re helping, then I don’t want to be helped.

I’m done.

I’m going to take an ambien tonight and gaba as needed.

That’s it.

The only other pills I’m taking are the fun kind I cop from the open air pharmacy in Tenderloin.

I hope they give me fentanyl by accident.

Second Thoughts

I’m having second thoughts about leaving the psychiatric hospital so soon.

While I was in there, all I could think about was trying to find a way to get out, but now that I’m out, all I can think about is I probably should still be in my boring suicide proof room right now.

By the way, “suicide proof”? Bush league, I figured out two ways within hours.

Is it possible to be institutionalized after 4 days? Or am I just a coward who can’t hang with life without wanting to hang myself?

Of course it’s because I’m a coward.

Duh.

I drink and do drugs because I’m a coward.

I refuse promotions at work because I’m a coward.

I don’t go back to school because I’m a coward.

I don’t talk to my mom and dad because I’m a coward.

I don’t look in the mirror because I’m a coward.

I don’t paint anymore because I’m a coward.

I don’t write poetry or stories anymore because I’m a coward.

I want to kill myself because I’m a coward.

Jesus I’m pathetic.

I really do deserve to be in that godforsaken place.